Welcome to My World

Regardless of where we are, life comes at us. If we want to cherish the moments, they tend to pass us by faster than we can savor them. If we would rather skip a day, it seems to linger endlessly. But life is what it is, and we have to make the most of what we have and focus on the good aspects, large or small, to truly relish our life.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Biting at the Lip

Isn't it interesting how when something seems off it is hard to just let go?  Sometimes life brings things that are so out of the ordinary that we don't know how to deal with it so we come at it from all sides.  It's alright to notice when things don't feel quite right, but we must learn how to handle those situations.  If we're not careful, we can make a mountain out of a molehill or bite off more than we can chew. 

This morning, I took the boys to the dentist for their appointments.  Neither one of them make it easy to brush their teeth, so they both have suffered the consequences of their misbehavior.  They have cavities, and they both had a couple filled in today.

The last time I took Nathaniel to the dentist, they had to put him in a papoose, so I was quite unsure how he would respond.  We had thought he would have to be sedated, but the doctor wanted to try again, once Nathaniel got a little older.  Fortunately, he did very well today with his so called elephant nose, the hose with the nitrous oxide, aka laughing gas, and was contentedly watching Pixar's Cars during the procedure.

Both boys were super while at the office; I couldn't have been prouder of their behavior.  When we were sent home, however, I was given instructions on how to care for their mouths for the next couple of hours.  I was n not to let them eat or drink anything for two hours, after which I could give them some ice cream or a milk shake to help keep the discomfort at bay.  Most importantly, however, I was to keep a close eye on them.  Since a portion of each of their mouths was numb, they could not feel if they bit their tongues, cheeks, or lips.

Nathaniel is a very orally fixated child to begin with.  Combine that with a tactile nature and a numb lip, tongue, and cheek, and you have trouble.  He had a cotton tube in his mouth, which he lightly bit down on, to keep him from accidentally biting himself.  Of course, as soon as everyone buckled up in the minivan and we were on our way home, he promptly took the cotton out of his mouth and started playing with his bottom lip.

The lip seemed to be the point of greatest interest to him.  He tugged at it with his fingers, stuck it out as far as he could go; he licked at it and opened and closed his mouth incessantly.  He kept putting it inside his mouth.  The entire trip was filled with me saying things like, "get your lip out of your mouth," "don't bite yourself," and "stop that!"  Finally, exasperated, he said, "Mommy, stop telling me what to do," to which I replied, "I'll make a deal with you.  You stop biting your lip and keep it out of your mouth and I'll stop nagging with you."

He continued.  I nagged.  When we got home, he told me his lip was really big.  I looked.  Not only was the bottom left lip swollen to over twice its original size, but his mouth looked like he had smeared it with pink lipstick.  I wiped off his mouth and took a look.  Sure enough, Nathaniel had been chewing on his lip and cut it in quite a few places.  Thank goodness, there was no damage to his tongue or the inside of his cheek, only to his lip.  I put the cotton back in his mouth and told him that if he kept it there and didn't bite himself, I'd give him his choice of ice cream or a milk shake.

An hour later he had his vanilla milk shake.  He went to bed tonight with a huge lip, but it had not grown since this morning.  He seemed to have no more discomfort, merely the strangeness that comes with something not quite feeling right.  According to the dentist, his lip should go back down to regular size within a few days, as the mouth heals faster than any other body part.

Yes, Benjamin had his appointment too, though his cavities were on top, so his upper left lip was numb.  He followed the instructions and kept the cotton in his mouth.  It didn't seem to bother him after a while.  He talked strange for a couple of hours and had a droop in his lip for most of the afternoon, but by bedtime, his mouth was back to normal.  He was not as fixated on the strange sensation, so he did not poke and prod like his brother.

Sometimes I can be just like Benjamin.  Situations can arise and I just go with the flow.  I don't let them bother me; I roll with the waves through the storm and don't worry about them.  Sure, while the water pounds, I may have some alteration while I'm healing, but when the seas are peaceful once again, there is no evidence of harm because I choose to not let it affect me.

Then there are the other times when I act like Nathaniel.  Life throws me a curve ball that I don't quite get.  I know I'm supposed to just sit it out, but I can't help fighting the oceans of emotions that pound me.  So I pound back, not realizing that my reaction is only hurting me more than the storm ever could.  Then when the tempest dies down, I end up battered and bruised because I responded out of curiosity, fear, or anger instead of listening to the better angels of my nature that tell me to just let it be.

Next time I'd like to be able to just roll with the punches.  I'd like to be able to sleep peacefully in the middle of the storm.  Hopefully next time I will just look at the insanity around me and just say, "Peace! Be still!"  Because my children are observing me.  They are looking to me to see how they should respond.  I'd like to teach them to be able to, if not calm the storms of life around them, at least to still the raging sea that sometimes threatens to rage inside.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Nothing Like the Real Thing

Richard and I went out on a date today.  We drove for an hour to go to the Mall of Georgia.  Though somewhat cold, it was a lovely day, and we turned on the heater in the car as we headed for our destination.  We went to see a movie, Tron: Legacy at the IMAX in 3-D.  We weren't disappointed.

For those not familiar with the first movie, which became a cult classic with Geeks, Nerds, Computer types, sci-fi fans, and the like, and for those who haven't seen the second movie and want to be surprised, have no fears, I won't give away anything truly important.  The first movie is simply about a programmer who ends up, through a series of events, inside the computer world.  He has to play games and try to help the programs gain freedom from the master computer that has its own devious plan. 

The second movie picks up with his son, who, after his father has mysteriously disappeared, leads an interesting life with seemingly little cares.  As you may suspect, through a series of events, he finds himself in the same place his father had gone some years earlier.  A program that appears to be his father surfaces.

The truth is made known and the son is reunited with his father and the movie goes on.  Programs wonder what it would be like to live in the real world and the son wants his father back, for they have missed years together.  The father, in turn, has learned a few lessons in life, himself.  Then, the movie really begins.

Of course, there is no way to truly describe a sunset to one who has no knowledge of the sun.  There is no way to describe love to one who has never experienced it for himself.  The best we can do is to tell them over and over again, to show them over and over again.  It was said once that some will be known by our love for one another.

Richard and I had such a lovely time!  We saw the movie.  We held hands and talked as we walked together through the mall we visit once every couple of years.  Sure, it would have been fun to go out with some of the girls.  I would have enjoyed the time.  But there's nothing quite like being with one who knows you better than anyone else.  There is nothing like having someone know your faults and yet still loves you. 

We teased about the cost of a movie like that, figuring in gas, tickets, and everything.  I told Richard I was an expensive date.  He told me I was an expensive wife.  I told him it was a good thing I'm worth it.  He smiled, pulled me close and said it was and that I'm worth every penny.  A couple years ago, we wouldn't have been able to tease like that, not without me getting self-conscious and insecure.  But we've had time, spent with each other, in all sorts of situations, and we could have that fun conversation today.

I have witnessed the sunrise.  I have smelled the wondrous roses and  I have tasted the chocolates he's brought me over the years.  I have felt his reassurances and I have found true joy with him.  I'm still learning, but I'm discovering how real love feels and how it responds, and there is nothing like it in all the world.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

To Do Lists

In the quiet solitude of this moonlit night, I sit pondering my life and all that it entails.  My daughter lies slightly behind me and to the left on the couch, covered by a crocheted bedspread my mother made shortly after Nathaniel was born.  Her struggle for sleep ended just a few short minutes ago, a reminder of the peace that follows when we just let go and give in to the gentle call of sleep.  But there is still so much that needs to be accomplished before that sleep comes, and that is the essence of my musing.

Sometimes I get so caught up in thinking about all that needs to be done that I get confused and almost paralyzed by the thought of this grand list that must be finished before the end of the week, or even by the end of the day.  Inevitably, the day does not go as planned because of all these interruptions that come by way of lunch time, children wanting to play with me, phone calls, and the like.  Then, if I don't watch my thoughts, I am caught in a maelstrom of frustration once again. 

Tuesday evening, Benjamin tossed and turned, going in and out of a fitful sleep.  His ear was hurting and no amount of cotton, blowing warm air, or pain reducers would aid my poor son.  At first, he went to his own bed and fell asleep for a bit, but that did not last an hour before he was crying for me.  I confess, I found my thoughts not too pleasing as I wanted to get the downstairs straightened up and dishes finished because I am trying to get in the habit of straightening up before I go to bed.  My initial reaction was to huff about getting deterred once again.

Listening to his cry however, made me realize it was not just a ploy to try to stay awake; it was pain, and he had no way of relief.  My mother's heart jumped out of my skin as I tried everything I could to ease his suffering, but nothing I did seemed to work.  At least, this was as far as I could tell.  I lay beside him for a few minutes after giving him some medicine, and stroke his hair as he fell back to sleep.  I waited a few minutes and then rose to continue my housework.

Alas, it was no good.  He woke up just a few minutes later and cried out for me once again.  After going through these motions two more times, I realized there was something I was doing right.  He knew I could not relieve his pain, but he simply wanted me there with him.  So, I set aside my goals and brought him to bed with me.  I would love to say that he slept peacefully the rest of the night and that we both slept soundly, but he didn't.  Though he never completely woke up again, he tossed and turned the whole time, grabbing at his hear and moaning in his sleep as he slept fitfully and took over the entire bed.  I will say that is quite a feat for a four year old on a king size mattress.

We went to the doctor earlier today, received the expected diagnosis of an earache, and got the proper medication for him.  Tonight, he took his medicine and has stayed sleeping soundly.  I, on the other hand, have stayed up with Nyssa, who was unable to turn off her brain until just as I logged into the blog site.

Did I accomplish all I wanted today?  Well now, that is a tricky question.  Did I finish all my housework?  That would be a no.  But did I place my attention to where it needed to be?  Unequivocally, yes!  My son needed me, and the day I knew he was entering my life, I knew that things would never be the same again. 

Life sometimes comes at us hard and we have to choose what is most important to us.  Do we choose to sit and worry over all the to do lists in our minds and on paper, or do we look at them and realize when they need to be accomplished and when we need to set them at the wayside?  At the end of the day, what is more important, that paper, or those we love?  At the end of our lives, what is more important, what we have accomplished or who we have affected?  Things all pass away, but life and memories continue.

So even though there are days that I don't get nearly as many things done on my to do list as I would like, I still have fond memories.  Yesterday, my son felt comfort in my presence.  Fitful as he was, when he reached out to me in his sleep, he calmed somewhat for a few minutes.  Tonight, my daughter just wanted to sit with me and fell asleep at my side.  I think that today, I have accomplished more than I set out today.  I got something accomplished in my true list.  Because I put away my once thought to be important goals, my children found rest, peace, and sleep.  I think that because of my choices to put my own desires aside, that I, too, can find rest, peace, and sleep in the security of one who I know loves me more than life itself.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Reflections of Beauty

Silence prevailed the first of this year as, instead of having nothing to say, I was able to take a much needed vacation with my beloved husband.  During this time, we actually had two main destinations:  a friend's wedding in Pennsylvania, and another location planned by my dear, sweet Richard.  Both locations were wonderful to see, especially since my mother was home with the children and it was just the two of us for five wonderful days!

We drove up to Pennsylvania to a friend's wedding.  There we got a chance to visit with others we only have the opportunity to see once a year while sharing in the magic of watching a couple in love start their lives' journey together.  The night before the wedding was spent seeing the excited bride and groom to be, as well as visit with friends who gather annually to work a national high school academic quiz bowl tournament, otherwise known as NAQT.

The day of the wedding was beautiful!  It was cold enough to snow, yet warm enough to not feel as if we were going to get frostbitten by walking outside for a bit.  The mountains were glorious and the people were friendly.  The wedding itself was divine, and the reception was just as lovely as the newly joined couple shone as brightly as the glistening snow under the glow of the sun.  The occasion was even more lovely as we rang in the new year celebrating their union.

The next day, we drove further north, to Buffalo, New York, and beyond, to the location my Richard has described to me over the years and finally had a chance to see me look upon for the first time with my own eyes.  I beheld one of the most majestic and wondrous sights of all creation.  I gazed  upon the power of Niagara Falls and saw so much more than I ever imagined.  The falls from the American side were fantastic enough as it was, but it wasn't until we crossed the Rainbow Bridge into Canada that we got the full beauty of these giant cascading fountains!

There are two sets of falls separated by Goat Island, a smallish sort of island, but large enough to cause the water to divide into two separate currents as it curves around toward the edge of the cliffs.  The American Falls are over a thousand feet long and straight, and there is even a separate area within them called the Bridal Veil Falls.  Seeing its pure simplicity, I can understand why it is so named.  The other waterfall is on a rounded piece of river, and is aptly named the Horseshoe Falls due to the shape it has taken over the centuries. 

We took a tour behind the falls, which I would highly recommend, and actually got to go down and see the falls in all their might from underneath and behind and beside.  We only saw them at half strength, where, even so, they are quite fearsome and beautiful all in the same breath.  Even during this time, 19 million gallons of water flow every minute from the cliffs down to the river below.  It is astonishing to consider this force of nature!

At the foot of the falls, the water crashes onto the rocks below.  So powerful is the force that the water can reach the bottom and rebound higher still, jump up, and spray people on the sidewalk at the top of the falls.  The second day we were there, snow fell, and from what it appeared, even the water from the mist of the Horseshoe Falls turned to flakes before our eyes, displaying yet another wonder of the majesty of this creation made not of human hands.

As we stood admiring this beauty, and as I took out my camera to get every view imaginable captured onto film in color, black and white, and sepia, a thought began to form in my mind, and I pondered.  I saw the American Falls on my country's soil.  I am a citizen, born and raised, in the United States of America.  The falls are part of the landscape of the USA.  But one cannot perceive its true beauty by standing on her soil.  No.  One cannot truly respect and admire Niagara Falls unless one crosses over into Canada.  She will never know her own true beauty.  One has to step outside of her to realize it.

The bride does not realize her own beauty; the groom sees nothing else.  One cannot recognize the beauty of the American Falls within her borders, but rather one has to step outside to truly grasp their significance.  We do not truly understand our own worth.  All three are magical mysteries, unknowable, and seemingly unattainable, but all are infallible truths. 

We see ourselves, and sometimes our circumstances, through a glass, darkly, as though it is foggy or smeared.  But in fact, if we could only step outside and see things as they truly are, we would realize the diamond in the rough.  We would feel the power of the water as it crashes down and almost leaps for joy to spread itself to the people above.  We would see the pool below, serene and calm, almost still in comparison, spreading life only because of what the water has endured to reach the bottom.  We would see, as I can't begin to fathom, but am beginning to somehow realize is true, that there is something in each of us that is so powerful and beautiful, a source of light and life, that can only be seen and admired by another.  We would realize that we are truly fearfully and wonderfully made.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Ode to Excuses

For those who have been faithful to read my blogs, I humbly apologize for being absent in my monologues.  Things have been quite hectic and I have been unable to write as much (or at all) as I have wanted to over the past few weeks.  I only hope to be able to do better with my diatribes and let my thoughts be made known more often than I have most recently.

First came my own sickness, during which I was confined to bed for a few days.  Then came the Christmas holidays and all the preparations they entailed.  Shortly thereafter, the next day, as a matter of fact, my mother came to visit for a couple of weeks.  You would think that this in and of itself would give me more time to exercise my fingers upon the keyboard.  But three days of laundry and cleaning from the weeks of my illness, along with a trip on the horizon, I felt it was necessary to place my energy elsewhere.

On the 29th of December, my husband and I took a northern road trip to a friend's wedding in Pennsylvania, and further up toward the Canadian border where I got my first true glimpse of Niagara Falls, both from New York and from Canada.  That trip will be in a forthcoming blog as my fingers are itching to tell the story.  Two days later, we began our trek back to the South and were home by that Monday night.

Visiting with my mother, accompanied by getting certain goals met during her stay here, prevented me from contemplating my life at the computer.  I learned how to use weaving sticks and wove a scarf.  I finally got all the clothes put away.  I also got my room in order, which was so desperately needed.  Near the end of her stay, this last Saturday, my firstborn came down with a fever of 102.

This, I wish, was the extent of Nyssa's fever, but it only climbed higher as Richard stayed home Sunday with the children, all of whom had high temperatures by time I came home.  The days blended together at this point, as I stayed up with Nyssa through the night, desperately trying to keep her fever to come down from the 106.2 recorded on the thermometer.  Snow, rain, and ice be ignored, I took both Nyssa and Benjamin to the emergency room on Monday.  The elements had, unfortunately, closed down the pediatrician's office and the local emergency center for children, so I had to drive downtown in the minivan to Scottish Rite.

Four hours, some ibuprofen, and x-rays later, we were sent home with instructions to keep doing what we were doing to keep temperatures down as much as possible.  Mom was supposed to go home Monday, but all flights were canceled.  When all the children had fevers that surpassed 103, we took them out in the snow for a few minutes to bring their body temperature down.  It worked, for a while, but we continued to alternate between giving them acetaminophen and ibuprofen.

Mom left Tuesday.  Richard took her since the roads were sheets of ice.  She got home safely and everyone here missed her.

The last couple of days, I've continued to work on keeping fevers down.  Thankfully, though no child's temperature is quite normal, none are climbing higher than 102.5.  School has been canceled due to inclement  weather all week, so at least they haven't been counted absent.

So, to honor all the excuses:  The dog ate my homework; I had a flat tire; my brother made me do it.

Many obstacles come against us each and every day, trying to keep us from accomplishing that which is important.  Some of those obstacles are things over which we have control.  Some we may even place ourselves.  Sometimes boulders are placed in front of us by others.  Still other barriers are placed by nature, such as the snow and ice.  Sometimes we are kept from our goals.

But what do we do with those walls?  If what we are doing is good and worth it, then we fight through, over, around, or under them.  It may take a while to get back on track, but it can happen.  Sometimes we have to prioritize which goals we will attempt to attain first and take them one at a time, one day at a time.  Until the final trumpet is sounded, we still have the chance to overcome.  Everyone falls down, everyone.  But we all have the chance to get back up again.  So, here I am, before the computer, giving yet another glimpse into what goes on in my mind and in my life.  I hope to be back tomorrow!