Give it All Away

I have been thinking a lot about flowers recently. The rose is my favorite, and I have a couple climbing rose bushes beside my brick mailbox.  Just today I checked the mail and there were still 5 roses on the bush that have just bloomed and 3 more that are still buds.  My favorite one is the one called Joseph's coat.  It's a combination of two roses that have been graphed together to make a different flower with delightfully pale yellow and peach petals that have a deliciously fragrant aroma.  It is the middle of December in Georgia, and my roses are still blooming.  I guess nobody told them their season to flower officially ended around October.

The last few weeks have been interesting.  I have been put on hold in reference to caring for others, for the most part, until my neck heals.  Anita has been wonderful with both the children and the house, going far above and beyond the call of duty in helping me, as I am not even allowed to pick up a jug of milk, let alone take a laundry basket of clothes upstairs or vacuum the carpets.  Some days are more painful than others, and the kids aren't always cooperative.

Nathaniel takes turns being the perfect little helper and shutting down completely.  Nyssa wavers between being the sweet daughter and the night cyclone that doesn't sleep but rather gets into everything while I am out cold.  Benjamin for the first time is refusing to help clean and Gabriela doesn't understand why I don't pick her up in my lap to rock her for her nap.  I must admit that my attitude isn't always the best right now either.

It's the season of Christmas!  I admit to feeling a little sorry for myself.  I love participating in the Christmas musical and I had to bow out this year.  Because I have been grounded from driving until my neck gets more mobile, I have yet to get Richard's Christmas present.  And because my body refuses to be flexible, I still have to wrap the kids' gifts.  Decorating will go no further than the wreath on the front door as I can't climb in the attic to get the decorations let alone actually move enough to put the appearance of holiday cheer.    For the first time in years, we may not have a tree as it usually takes both of us to set it up.  All of these things put together at times work together to put me in a depressed state.

But here's the twist:  learning to be thankful for my weariness and my worries.  I mean, what in all of these things are life ending prospects?  So my autistic children don't behave right now all the time.  Neither do my other children; if I were to be perfectly honest, no child in the history in the world behaved 100% of the time.  Okay, so there was that one.  I am not allowed to drive for a few weeks, but at least I have a car when I am cleared!  I am having difficulty wrapping presents for the children, but at least we could afford to buy them.  I may not be able to decorate my house, but Christmas has never been about the tree and the garland and the stockings anyway.  The true meaning lies in the heart, in the sacrificial giving because of a love that was given to me.

I am being forced to sit back and do next to nothing; in fact I have not been able to sit long enough to type for over a week.  The house is even messier than usual and there is almost nothing I can do about it.  All I can do is sit back and tell the others what needs to be done.  I am being forced into a state of letting everything go.  If something gets done, then I shout, "YES!" If it stays a mess for a few days, then so be it. 

It isn't my typical Christmas, I realize.  But I am really starting to realize that it is truly better to give than to receive, in a different way than ever before.  It is so much easier to let go of the weariness and of the worries than to hold on to it.  It becomes a burdensome load on my shoulders.  Giving it all away lightens the burden and takes away the additional pain of worrying about how it will all work out.  I am more weary than ever before, but instead of trying to hold on to it and cradle it, I am learning to give it away.  I am learning how to do a simple task that I often try to complicate.  I am learning how to rest.  When I grow weary, I just stop for a while and give it away.  What's most amazing is that after I have the opportunity to give away the weariness, I am able to give more of myself later because I am no longer bogged down.  And I feel freedom.

I have a confession to make.  Almost every time I sit down to write, it's after an especially frustrating day.  Some of those times I am still fuming at the fingertips when I begin typing at the computer.  Most of the time I have no idea what is going to come of the session until it unfolds before me.  Somewhere along the line, I begin to see not only the circumstances that have changed, but myself as well, if I permit it to happen.  I still have a long way to go, but as I allow it, the unfolding begins.