I used to think I was an easy go lucky, go with the flow type of gal. I just took life as it came, one punch a a time, and tried to let it flow right past me. But somewhere along the way, I started to take a look at things and go, "Hey, wait a second! This isn't how it's supposed to go!" The jury's still out on whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. I had a huge disappointment yesterday, literally.
Yesterday we had an appointment to see Nyssa's doctor to get the results from all the testing she's had done recently. There was one final Autism/Asperger session from two weeks ago and we were going to get the final evaluation. We had lined up Miss Anita, who was so gracious to help us out with the younger ones. Richard had rearranged his work schedule, and we had postponed a meeting with the staff at Nyssa's school because everyone wanted the results before we decided on how best to deal with her behavior in class. I picked Richard up from work and went to the doctor's office and waited.
And we waited. After about 20 minutes, though it seemed an eternity, the (one and only person) psychologist who was there came out and asked us who we were waiting to see. When we told him, he got that deer stuck in the headlights sheen to his face. "Um. You were supposed to get a call. She's home sick with bronchitis right now. She's been out for the week." Punch to the gut. "Why don't you come in here so we can talk?"
We went into the inner office as he apologized and wondered at why we had not been notified. No one had even called to let us know she was not going to be there. He took down all our information, typed something in his laptop, and excused himself for a couple minutes. I was very frustrated by this time, as was Richard, albeit he was calmer on the exterior than I was. I did manage to keep my voice calm and held my temper in check, sort of, though I must say I was fuming internally. Then, something happened to make me even more upset.
My cell phone gave a little vibration. It's the kind that goes off when you receive a note that you have received a call earlier and that a message was left. I called my voice mail, and there it was, from Wednesday, a call from the office manager stating that the doctor was going to be out and he wanted to reschedule. Granted, he tried to call. Yea. But what truly got to me was the fact that I had implicitly told them to call my house number, and NOT to call my cell phone.
Why then did I even give them my cell number? Because at the time I gave it to them, I was practically under duress. They had to have a second number where they could reach me. Looking back, I should have stuck to my guns and said, "What about everyone that doesn't have a cell? I mean, not everyone has the money for one, and even some that do may not have the inclination." This I said because it was only two years ago that my husband himself gave in to the cell phone movement. But when I gave it to them, I told them not to try calling me on it because I am home 95% of the time and I don't have cell phone coverage most of the time at the house. Like I said, I should have never given it to them. But like a moron, I figured a psychologist's office would know how to take someone seriously and actually LISTEN to them.
Breathe. It wasn't her fault. Nyssa's got a very nice doctor. She belongs to a practice and it was the office staff that flubbed. By the way, there was a different office manager who called my CELL a couple months ago to reschedule an appointment...and I didn't get that message, either. I told them then not to call the cell. Would somebody please note it in Nyssa's chart???? Anyway, this is what proceeded to storm through my brain as we sat there. Richard just gave me the sweetest look and reached for my hand. I could literally hear his Jedi mind powers telling me to calm down, breathe, and just relax.
After profusely apologizing and letting us know he'd make sure we got rescheduled and that the file would be noted with "call home and leave a message; do not call cell," he let us go on our merry little way. I say that with a hint of sarcasm, but only a hint because Richard was the King. We left the office holding hands and he said, "Well, we can at least go out to lunch together and have some time alone without the kids." Leave it to him to be a knight in shining armor who saves my day.
I asked him if I was just over reacting or if he was calmer than he appeared. He graciously told me that, no, he was just as upset as I was on the outset, but we expressed our frustrations, there was nothing we could do about it, so it was time to move on. He was right. To be honest, I did not completely deflate right that second, but over lunch at Nino's, I did melt and let it all wash away. He was right.
It's okay to be angry over something, especially when it is due to some injustice. But what really counts is what we do with those feelings. Do we let them fester and gnaw at us until it eats away everything good inside us? Some people do. Where did the term "postal" come from, anyway? A postal worker let some anger and bitterness get such a grip on him that he was blinded to everything else, got a gun, and took it out on his work place....and people got hurt. People died over it.
The truth is, that could be anybody. It has been many people since then. I see it in the news on almost a weekly basis. Something happens to someone and they just flip a switch. Imbalance, personality disorders, it has many names, but it usually boils down to someone letting all that frustration and anger build up inside them until there is nothing left to do but pop, explode. But I don't want to be just anybody, and I'm pretty sure there are lots of others out there who don't. So what do we do when we feel it building and building?
We let it out before we give it time to fester. We forgive. We let it go. It's not worth surrendering our will to it. It's not worth giving our lives over to it and worshiping it. But when we let it seep inside and consume our thoughts, allowing it to control where we go and what we do, that is exactly what we are doing, worshiping that anger, that bitterness.
Yes, life is full of disappointments. But it's how we live after them that shapes who we really are. Frankly, even though we'll have to reschedule appointments and babysitters, I rather enjoyed the affects of that dis-appointment. Because without it, I wouldn't have been able to do what immediately followed. I got to have the best lasagna in the world and share it with my love.
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