To Do Lists

In the quiet solitude of this moonlit night, I sit pondering my life and all that it entails.  My daughter lies slightly behind me and to the left on the couch, covered by a crocheted bedspread my mother made shortly after Nathaniel was born.  Her struggle for sleep ended just a few short minutes ago, a reminder of the peace that follows when we just let go and give in to the gentle call of sleep.  But there is still so much that needs to be accomplished before that sleep comes, and that is the essence of my musing.

Sometimes I get so caught up in thinking about all that needs to be done that I get confused and almost paralyzed by the thought of this grand list that must be finished before the end of the week, or even by the end of the day.  Inevitably, the day does not go as planned because of all these interruptions that come by way of lunch time, children wanting to play with me, phone calls, and the like.  Then, if I don't watch my thoughts, I am caught in a maelstrom of frustration once again. 

Tuesday evening, Benjamin tossed and turned, going in and out of a fitful sleep.  His ear was hurting and no amount of cotton, blowing warm air, or pain reducers would aid my poor son.  At first, he went to his own bed and fell asleep for a bit, but that did not last an hour before he was crying for me.  I confess, I found my thoughts not too pleasing as I wanted to get the downstairs straightened up and dishes finished because I am trying to get in the habit of straightening up before I go to bed.  My initial reaction was to huff about getting deterred once again.

Listening to his cry however, made me realize it was not just a ploy to try to stay awake; it was pain, and he had no way of relief.  My mother's heart jumped out of my skin as I tried everything I could to ease his suffering, but nothing I did seemed to work.  At least, this was as far as I could tell.  I lay beside him for a few minutes after giving him some medicine, and stroke his hair as he fell back to sleep.  I waited a few minutes and then rose to continue my housework.

Alas, it was no good.  He woke up just a few minutes later and cried out for me once again.  After going through these motions two more times, I realized there was something I was doing right.  He knew I could not relieve his pain, but he simply wanted me there with him.  So, I set aside my goals and brought him to bed with me.  I would love to say that he slept peacefully the rest of the night and that we both slept soundly, but he didn't.  Though he never completely woke up again, he tossed and turned the whole time, grabbing at his hear and moaning in his sleep as he slept fitfully and took over the entire bed.  I will say that is quite a feat for a four year old on a king size mattress.

We went to the doctor earlier today, received the expected diagnosis of an earache, and got the proper medication for him.  Tonight, he took his medicine and has stayed sleeping soundly.  I, on the other hand, have stayed up with Nyssa, who was unable to turn off her brain until just as I logged into the blog site.

Did I accomplish all I wanted today?  Well now, that is a tricky question.  Did I finish all my housework?  That would be a no.  But did I place my attention to where it needed to be?  Unequivocally, yes!  My son needed me, and the day I knew he was entering my life, I knew that things would never be the same again. 

Life sometimes comes at us hard and we have to choose what is most important to us.  Do we choose to sit and worry over all the to do lists in our minds and on paper, or do we look at them and realize when they need to be accomplished and when we need to set them at the wayside?  At the end of the day, what is more important, that paper, or those we love?  At the end of our lives, what is more important, what we have accomplished or who we have affected?  Things all pass away, but life and memories continue.

So even though there are days that I don't get nearly as many things done on my to do list as I would like, I still have fond memories.  Yesterday, my son felt comfort in my presence.  Fitful as he was, when he reached out to me in his sleep, he calmed somewhat for a few minutes.  Tonight, my daughter just wanted to sit with me and fell asleep at my side.  I think that today, I have accomplished more than I set out today.  I got something accomplished in my true list.  Because I put away my once thought to be important goals, my children found rest, peace, and sleep.  I think that because of my choices to put my own desires aside, that I, too, can find rest, peace, and sleep in the security of one who I know loves me more than life itself.