Time to Make Up My Mind

Everything boils down to attitude.  Everything.  Am I having a good day or a bad day?  Is the glass half full or half empty?  Am I content with what is or do I want more?  Do I look on the bright side or do I let the rain clouds darken my day?  It's all about perspective.

I know I wrote about an aspect of this in a different way just yesterday, but it's just on my mind right now.  And, yes, it all boils down to my house once again.  I'm obsessed with it, and rightly so, for the time being, so I can get it in tip top condition...or at least as close as I can with four wonderful, challenging, gifted, curious children from the ages of 1 to 6.

I want to be able to have a clean house that's nicely organized for myself, my husband, and my children.  I really do.  But I've always been worried about having the time to manage it.  I have a great time straightening up until I look at the clock, realize what I have left to do and then click: attitude flip.  I go from enjoying the rhythm of the dance to a chaotic discord in the time it takes to register how much longer I have.

I was washing the dishes on Monday and just thinking, this feels so nice to have the kitchen all cleaned up.  And I wondered why I seem to go from hope to sheer desperation at the tick of a tock of the clock.  I realized that I get afraid.  Of WHAT???  Of not being able to finish what I start...I get afraid that this time is going to be just like all the other times I started to get the house under control only to get lost in the maelstrom of life once again.  But WHY do I get lost?  Why do I panic?

Because I look at the clock and realize there are 20 gazillion things left that I want to get done.  Then in less time than a blink of an eye, I think of the 20 gazillion things that I need to get done.  Then, it flips to 20 gazillion things that I have to get done.  And the ultimate nail in the coffin comes with the thought that there 20 gazillion things that I won't get done, can't get done, will never get done, will fail at, will be ashamed of leaving undone, will disappoint Richard in not getting done.

Um, did I ever mention that I was a drama major in college?  You can see I have a natural flair for it.  But I stood there in the kitchen, braced myself for looking at the clock, and saw the time.  I took a deep breath and forced those thoughts away.  It took almost every ounce of acting to start the process, and every ounce of my imagination to continue those thoughts, but I did!  For that moment, I succeeded, and the drama became life.

I imagined keeping the kitchen clean.  I imagined having a straightened living room that had been vacuumed.  I was aware that I have four active offspring, but instead of thinking of all I hadn't done yet, I looked and realized all I HAD accomplished.  And I thought, I get to look at a clean table.  I get to set my daughter on the floor without needing an eagle eye to see what objects on the floor she'll put in her mouth.  

I get to clean my house, not I have to clean my house.  I have a house and I get to clean it.  It's a blessing.  I get to do the laundry, because I have been blessed with clothes.  All the things I clean and straighten are evidence of what has been given to me, for I am just a steward of what I have anyway, even my children.  One day it will all be gone.  One day I will be gone, and I don't want to have wasted my life thinking of all the I have to's.  I want to use it dwelling on all the I get to's.

I want to spend my life thinking on what is good, what is pleasant, what is lovely.  It's not something I can choose to do today, snap my fingers, and forever have that mindset.  No.  It is a daily choice, sometimes hourly, or even more often, to look at that which surrounds me and consider how I have been blessed.  As I make this choice, the negative will slowly melt away.  I heard it takes 7 positive things to counteract 1 negative, so it will be a continuing process.  So I choose to remind myself daily what a blessing it is to have a house and a family and that I get to be a part of making my home a safe haven.