Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut

Some days fly by like I'm on top of the world.  Other days seem to drag on in wearisome trappings filled with mud puddles and rocky, mountainous terrain steeper than Mount Everest.  They may begin the same way, by opening the eyes, but the way in which they are lived determine what kind of day it ends up being.

I slept in this morning, for the first time in I don't know how long.  I actually got 8 hours of sleep, a mother's dream!  My dear, wise husband realized I've been beyond tired and tried to let me sleep in.  And, sleep in I did, until I was very rudely awakened.

Nathaniel was having one of his fits.  He was mad at the world and would not settle down.  Eventually, my husband sent him up to his room to cool down, which usually works after a few minutes of ranting and raving.  Unfortunately, it was that angry outburst in his room that woke me from my slumber.  I don't know anyone in their right mind who appreciates coming to consciousness from a much needed rest to a loud angry screaming rant from a strong-willed Autistic 5 year old.

The day actually went pretty well, though, and I was easily able to get past the rude awakening.  I played with the kids, read to them, and served pizza for lunch.  I kept them off the computer for most of the day and they enjoyed using their imagination to play as pirates on the high seas looking for buried treasure.  An upside to that was the finding of the beloved VCR remote in the cushions of the couch.  Finally, the kids could watch their programs in English again as the remote had somehow caused all their shows to be in Spanish.  I must admit, I had actually enjoyed watching them in Spanish as they were starting to get some of the words.  I couldn't help laughing when Nathaniel chanted, "not a rocking horse" instead of "nada rapido," which means, "swim faster."

Then something happened that caused my dear, patient, beloved husband to wonder who took over my body.  We were cleaning house and Nathaniel was cleaning the downstairs bathroom when Richard asked me to stop and discuss something for a few minutes.  Somewhere in the discussion, I told Nathaniel to turn of the water in the sink.  He did...and turned it back on a couple minutes later.  When we finished our discussion, I went into the bathroom to check on how he was doing.  Warning:  the following contains an explosion of epic proportions.

Barefoot, I stepped onto the carpet, which was soaking wet.  I wasn't happy, but I figured it wasn't that bad...until I noticed it was a mini puddle..on the carpet.  I opened the cabinet door to find the wood soaking wet, along with the toilet paper, the towels, and the other items in there.  As I started pulling them out, I saw the particle board coming apart as I lifted the towels from their positions, and I saw the bubbles separating the wood.  That did it for me.  I'm not sure why and I'm not sure how, but that just hit the button that had been exposed somewhere along the line.

I called my love to the bathroom and told him, a little too serenely, like the eye in the middle of a hurricane, that we were going to have to replace the particle board at the bottom of the sink and probably the carpet, as well.  Not so calmly, I began to show my frustration as I told him there was no way I can sit and talk when the kids are cleaning because I have to keep an eye on them.  Angrily, I began pulling everything else out of the bottom cabinet and tossing it away, explaining that when the kids are home I can't do anything but sit and watch them every second of the day because they will destroy the house if I don't.  Then, the hurricane itself came in full fury.

I suddenly got so angry that I was yelling.  I'm not proud of it, but that's what happened.  I was so frustrated about the mess.  The bathroom was 5 minutes away from being clean and checked off the list and now it was in worse shape than it had been in months because of the damage that had been done.  How was I supposed to get the house in working order when it falls apart at the seams if I take my eyes off the kids for 5 minutes?

Nathaniel's room has 2 holes in it from banging things in the wall, as well as peeled paint off the walls that were covered just a year ago.  The girls' room has the writing on the wall, the halls have ink stains on the walls, in the dining room lies Sajak who still has not been put to rest several months after the kids broke him for the third and final time, and the laundry room has about 10 loads that need to be washed.  Everything around me felt like it was coming apart.

I suddenly got blindly furious at myself.  I told Richard that everything I touched turned bad.  The house has gone downhill since I moved in, he's been down a lot lately, the kids aren't even fully potty-trained, 3 of them have Autistic issues, I can't cook well, the house is a wreck, and I can't keep clean clothes in the closet.  I wanted to go hide under a rock because I felt like nothing I did amounted to any good.

He tried to make me feel better, poor man.  He asked me about the choir...I did good there.  I told him I felt like a hypocrite sometimes singing because I get frustrated here too often and can't get things straightened.  He mentioned my writing.  I told him half of it was a lie, 'cause I didn't always feel happy go lucky.  He told me that it made me feel better and put things in perspective.  I had nothing to say.  He said that, yes, when I start writing, I'm almost ranting in the beginning with frustration, but by time I'm done I can see things more clearly and with understanding.  I glared at him.

And I said nothing.

He's right.  Sometimes I need to just sit and think about what has gone on during the day, frustrated or not, and just let it all out.  Eventually, somehow, I begin to see the worth in it.  I see everything that has gone wrong and then the right just starts peeking through, undeniably.

Yes, I've got my problems with my own insecurities, but I have a husband who truly does love me beyond all reason.  Our children have developmental issues; but they are trying to help and they are full of love.  Yes, the house isn't where I want it to be, but it has come a long way the last few months.  Yes, there are 10 loads of laundry that need to be done; but there are 3 that just need to be put away.  Yes, Nathaniel's wall has paint he's peeled off of it, but he's not hitting his head against it anymore, either.  Yes, the particle board in the bathroom sink needs to be replaced now; but the carpet will be fine, thanks to a dehumidifier Richard bought when Nyssa flooded us a few years ago.  Yes, we are tired, but we have each other and love each other deeply.  Yes, I'm not a great cook, but the kids eat pretty healthily.  Besides, Richard loves to cook.  He is my match in every way, and I don't deserve him.  But he's mine, just the same.  Oh the wonder of it all!  How blessed I am!